Fix You: when you get what you want but not what you need.

In the midst of my recent obsession with the staggeringly talented Jacob Collier—a human being who seems to embody pure creativity and joy—I stumbled upon his cover of Coldplay’s Fix You. This song has always held a special place in my heart, almost qualifying as one of my Desert Island Tracks.

But this time, hearing it with fresh ears (and through the lens of my foundation year in psychotherapy and my current training with the Spectacular School), I couldn’t help but pause on the central premise of the song. The idea of “fixing” someone else—rescuing them from their own journey of self-awareness—now sits uneasily with me. In my work and studies, I’ve come to see that true change, true healing, only happens when we do the work ourselves. A helper or guide can shine a light, but no one can walk the path for you. That’s a topic for another day, though - but important to stay true to when coaching.

What really struck me this time was the line:

When you get what you want, but not what you need.

It’s such a simple idea, but so profound. How often do we chase after the things we think we want—approval, success, the perfect relationship, the next big thing—only to find that these “wants” don’t satisfy the deeper hunger inside us? The truth is, it’s much easier to pursue external markers of fulfilment than to sit still and face the real questions: What do I truly need? What am I avoiding? Am I enough as I am?

Many of us don’t make space for this kind of reflection. Life gets busy, and the culture we live in doesn’t exactly encourage us to slow down and examine ourselves. But here’s the kicker: when we don’t take the time to figure out what we truly need, we risk staying stuck in a cycle of unmet longings, grasping at things that look like fulfilment but leave us empty.

The older I get, the more I realise the importance of untangling the difference between wants and needs. Wants often come from a place of fear or lack: “If I get this job, I’ll finally feel worthy.” “If this person loves me, I’ll be complete.” Needs, on the other hand, are quieter, deeper, and often scarier to confront. They’re about connection, self-acceptance, safety, and purpose.

But here’s the thing: sitting with the question of your needs isn’t always comfortable. It requires facing the parts of yourself that feel unworthy or afraid. And yet, it’s only when we confront those shadows that we can begin to move toward something real—toward self-love, toward enoughness.

The lyrics of Fix You remind me of this tension. They speak to the pain of losing something irreplaceable, of loving and not being loved back, of striving and not succeeding. And yet, they also speak to the hope that someone—or perhaps something—can light the way. For me, that light isn’t about fixing; it’s about finding. Find your true self beneath all the noise of want, learn to trust that who you are is already enough, and gently reconnect with the needs you’ve buried.

So, maybe the next time you hear this song—or find yourself chasing after something that feels urgent—it’s worth pausing. Ask yourself: Is this what I need, or is it just what I think I should want? The answers might surprise you.

And in the meantime, go check out Jacob Collier’s cover of Fix You. It’s glorious.

On Ecstasy

I am delighted to be on Dr Sarah Madigan’s leadership team for her upcoming Be Ecstatic Event in Scotland this weekend. As I write this, it’s not too late to attend!

Sarah has asked us to reflect on what Ecstasy means to us. So, I thought I would share it with you.

For starters, it is no wonder that Ecstasy is the street name for MDMA!

Ecstasy is an emotion that can also be described as an altered state of consciousness. The word ecstasy comes from the Greek word ékstasis, which means "to step outside oneself". People who experience ecstasy feel extremely happy.

Ecstasy can be induced by drugs, physical excitement, or psychological means. It can lead to a strong and permanent change in a person's worldview and value system and this is why I have turned to Coaching rather than Psychotherapy as a space in which to work.

To me, being ecstatic means embracing the fullness of life by welcoming the flow of all emotions—hope, gratitude, awe, and joy, alongside loss, pain, and uncertainty. 

It’s the art of living in possibility, where we allow emotions to pass through us without attachment, acknowledging each as a transient state rather than a defining feature of who we are. 

True ecstasy resides in this balanced awareness, moving beyond rigid black-and-white thinking and entering a space where both pain and joy coexist. It’s about living in awe of life’s complexity, grounded in the idea that nothing we feel is permanent, and yet every experience can be deeply felt, enriching our journey

Ecstatic emotions elevate our sense of wonder and connection, making us feel deeply alive, often transcending ordinary experiences. They can be intense, expansive, and often feel transformative. Here are some emotions often associated with ecstasy:

1. Awe – A feeling of reverence and amazement, often experienced when confronted with something vast or sublime, like nature, music or art. I love the concept of Collective Effervescence that Dacher Keltner writes about in his book “Awe”. I recommend listening to his podcast interview with Steven Bartlett here on spotify

2. Joy – A profound sense of happiness that goes beyond pleasure, rooted in a sense of meaning or presence.

3. Gratitude – A deep appreciation for life, people, or experiences that can be grounding and uplifting simultaneously.

4. Love – The feeling of connection, compassion, and warmth towards oneself or others that often expands our sense of self.

5. Hope – A forward-looking emotion that inspires optimism and resilience, often accompanied by a sense of possibility and renewal. (although Brené Brown argues that Hope is not an emotion but a way of thinking or a cognitive process. Emotions play a supporting role. I will write separately on this in the future, but in the meantime, I highly recommend reading Guidepost #3 of Brené’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection”)

6. Peace – A calmness and acceptance that can feel powerful, especially when it allows us to be fully present and let go of tension.

7. Transcendence – A sense of going beyond ordinary limits, whether through spiritual experiences, profound insight, or peak moments in creativity or flow.

These emotions create an openness to life’s depth and beauty, bridging us to something greater than ourselves, and allowing us to experience the world with a sense of vitality and presence.

So, how do we access more ecstasy in our lives?

Here are a few more thoughts; there is nothing new here, but it is worth reminding ourselves:

1. Seek Awe in Nature: Spend time in nature, whether on a hike, at the beach, or simply observing a sunrise. Allow yourself to experience the vastness and beauty around you fully. Observing something bigger than yourself can often evoke feelings of awe and wonder.

2. Practice Daily Gratitude: Set aside a moment each day to reflect on what you’re thankful for, no matter how small. Cultivating gratitude can shift your perspective, grounding you in positivity and expanding your sense of fulfilment.

3. Engage in Creative Flow: Pursue activities that put you into a “flow state,” such as painting, writing, or playing music. These moments of immersion can offer a deep sense of connection, transcending ordinary experience.

4. Connect Deeply with Others: Take time for heartfelt conversations and practice active listening. Building meaningful relationships can bring joy, love, and a sense of belonging that makes life feel richer and more vibrant.

5. Embrace Mindfulness and Presence: Incorporate mindful practices like meditation, breathwork (shout out to the wonderful Sophie Brigstocke), or even mindful walking. Being fully present allows emotions to flow through you, helping you experience each one without attachment.

6. Reflect on Hope and Possibility: Revisit your dreams and aspirations, visualising what is possible for your life. Embracing hope as a guiding mindset can help you approach life’s uncertainties with resilience and optimism.

By regularly integrating these practices, you can open yourself to moments of ecstasy and deepen your connection to life’s awe-inspiring experiences—no substances required!

Here’s a personal share: one of the most powerful ways I’ve accessed emotional ecstasy is by bringing shame into the light. Shame thrives in darkness but fades when exposed to the light. Finding trusted friends who’ve earned the right to hear my story—who offer a safe space for my vulnerability—has allowed me to let go of shame and step into a far deeper sense of joy and freedom than I ever imagined.

Malagasy_emotion

A Journey Beyond Expectations: Confronting Poverty and Destruction in Madagascar

This reflection is about bucket lists, expectations, comparanoia, and the pressure we place on ourselves to feel only a certain way when we travel.

Visiting Madagascar has been on my bucket list for years.

Before I left, I set up an Instagram account, @malagasy_joy, to share my 16-day trip with others. I imagined documenting moments of happiness and awe. But since I arrived, I’ve found myself navigating a wide range of emotions, with joy being rather conspicuous by its absence—at least in the way I anticipated. However, there is joy here, and I’ve seen it reflected in so many of the smiling Malagasy faces.

What’s been more overwhelming for me, though, is processing the abject poverty and environmental destruction that Madagascar faces. As someone with South African roots, I find myself confronting the weight of “white guilt” and colonial history, a history that is still evident here. Madagascar only broke free from French colonialism in 1960, but traces of that era linger, from the non-native eucalyptus trees invading the remnants of primary rainforests to the vintage Renault 4s that still defy time and odds. It is a country that feels pillaged.

At times, I’ve found myself comparing my experience in Madagascar to my earlier trip to Costa Rica this year. Yet, I remind myself that Costa Rica’s GDP per capita is about 7.5 times that of Madagascar’s. Poverty here is stark, and it’s clear that most of Madagascar’s people are battling to survive at the very bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy. The country struggles to balance the immediate survival needs of its population with the preservation of its incredibly rich but fragile ecosystems.

It’s estimated that less than 10% of Madagascar’s original primary rainforests remain intact today. The devastation of these forests is heartbreaking because Madagascar is home to some of the most unique ecosystems on the planet. Around 90% of the species here are endemic, meaning they exist nowhere else in the world. The ongoing destruction of these rainforests means the loss of critical habitats for lemurs, chameleons, rare plant life, and so much more.

Just last night, we hiked through the rainforest, headlamps guiding our way, and I encountered three lemur species: the Common Brown Lemur, the Woolly Lemur, and the Mouse Lemur. Today, the goal is to spot the Indri, a rare and majestic lemur species. It was a privilege and a genuine joy to see these creatures in their natural habitat, along with several species of chameleons and geckos. The trees, the ferns, and the flowers were breathtakingly beautiful.

But as I sit here, staring into a eucalyptus plantation, reflecting on my 36 hours in Madagascar, I’ve come to accept that it’s okay not to feel pure joy. Instead, I feel a deep gratitude for the chance to witness the remaining wonders of Madagascar’s flora and fauna. Yet, I’m also filled with a profound sadness for the state of the world—the destruction, the extreme gap between rich and poor, and the shame tied to how recklessly and insensitively we live in the developed world. There’s a sense of grief, loss, and even powerlessness to effect meaningful change. While I know we all have the power to make a difference, it’s hard to measure the impact of individual actions in the face of such large-scale devastation.

In the next two weeks here in Madagascar, I’ve decided to embrace these emotions. I won’t deny the sadness or grief, but I’ll also strive to live in the present moment, free from the chains of comparison. I’m choosing to sit with the discomfort and honour the complexities of what I’m experiencing.

With that in mind, I’ve renamed my Instagram account to @malagasy_emotion. Because, for me, this journey is not just about joy—it’s about connecting with the full spectrum of emotions that travel, and especially travel to places like Madagascar, can evoke.

How does this feel to you? Balancing one’s emotional confrontation with a sense of mindfulness isn’t always easy. It is possible to experience both sadness and gratitude while still allowing space for the present moment to unfold.

Plain Talk Matters

When first setting out to create my coaching business, I knew I wanted it to stand for something clear, direct, and honest—qualities that are often missing in our fast-paced, complicated world. “Plain Talk” feels like a philosophy that runs through everything I do.

A No-Nonsense Approach to Transformation

In the world of coaching and personal development, it’s easy to get bogged down by overcomplicated theories and language. While these frameworks can have their place, my approach is to simplify. “Plain Talk” is all about making the complicated feel approachable, so clients can focus on what truly matters—creating a pathway for real change in their lives.

Real Conversations, Real Results

When you’re working with me, we’re not going to dance around the issues. I believe in creating a safe, open space where people feel comfortable enough to have real conversations. Whether we’re talking about personal struggles, career challenges, or life transitions, we get down to what’s really going on. And we do it in a way that’s direct but compassionate. This honesty helps accelerate growth and brings about deeper, more lasting transformations.

Empowering Through Clarity

At its core, “Plain Talk” is about clarity. You will often hear me saying “Clarity is Kindness” (credit to the most wonderful Brené Brown) In a world where we’re often bombarded with too much information or overly complicated strategies, I want to give my clients the gift of clarity. Clarity in their thoughts, their goals, and the steps they need to take to achieve them. It’s amazing what happens when people can see things clearly—they begin to make decisions with confidence and live with more purpose.

Authenticity Over Perfection

Too often, coaching or self-improvement is framed around the idea of achieving some ideal version of yourself. But the truth is, there’s no “perfect” you waiting out there. Instead, my approach is about being authentic—finding and embracing your true self. This is where real power and freedom lie. Through honest conversations, we’ll work together to shed any layers that aren’t serving you, so you can step fully into who you’re meant to be.

Plain Talk Means Action

Talking is essential, but it has to lead somewhere. I believe in practical, actionable steps. After each session, you won’t just walk away with new insights—you’ll have clear, concrete actions to take. Whether it’s developing new habits, creating a plan, or changing a mindset, we’ll always focus on real-world results. (and for another blog post, that’s why, after completing my Foundation in Psychotherapy at The Minster Centre, I decided against training as a Psychotherapist)

The Power of Simplicity

There’s power in simplicity. In a world that loves to complicate things, I’ve found that the simplest truths are often the most profound. “Plain Talk” embodies this belief that transformation doesn’t have to be complicated. It just has to be clear, honest, and true to who you are.

If you’re looking for a coaching experience that emphasises clarity, authenticity, and real-world results, then “Plain Talk” is designed for you. Together, we’ll have the kind of honest conversations that lead to genuine transformation, empowering you to create lasting change in your life.

In the end, plain talk leads to powerful action, and that’s what makes change last.

Please contact me to schedule an introductory session.